The Rule of 3’s

Not a scripture-based post today, just a little tool that I use to try to get myself “back out of my tree”.

When something has me concerned or freaked out, I often have difficulty just determining whether this is really a big deal or not.  I start to worry (which is a sin!) about whether I offended someone, did I post something that I shouldn’t have, should I have extended more grace in this situation, did I make a fool of myself, did I talk too much, etc,  and then my brain and my thoughts take on a life of their own.  Eventually my anxiety reaches “critical mass”  and you cannot reason with me, the situation has taken over my thoughts and the whole thing consumes me.

Anxiety takes over.

Depression follows soon after.

I’m left sitting in my mud puddle over what was likely a non-issue.

I don’t remember where I heard this but I have applied it to my life and it has helped me tremendously.  While I still struggle with “worry”, this little tool has helped me to toss aside some of the smaller worries. So… here it is:  The Rule of 3’s.

When an event/thought/ etc occurs and you start to go “skyward” and begin the process of freaking out ask yourself a few questions:

Is this issue going to matter (have a negative effect on my life) in three hours?

Is this issue going to matter in 3 days?

Is this issue going to matter in 3 weeks?

Is this issue going to matter in 3 months?

What about three years?

Three decades?

When you go through these questions, if something is not going to have a negative impact on you, your family, the other individual involved, etc in 3 weeks… what you have is a minor annoyance or “blip on the radar”.  Just deal with the issue head on.  If it is an interpersonal issue either… say your apologies, extend forgiveness, talk it out, whatever, but with the idea that this was not a major issue.

Here’s an example of this at work:

This week I discovered that a vendor for my business posted something negative about our company on a public forum.  The vendor did not contact us regarding any issues and I was just “surfing the internet” when I found the post.  I started to freak out.

But… based on the rule of three’s…

This issue would still have an effect on my life in 3 hours and in three days.  But, it may not have an effect on me in three weeks.  That would depend on how I handled it.  If I handled it badly, then it will effect my life for three months or more.  But if I took care of it directly?  It may end in a matter of days.

I prayed about the issue, told God how mad I was about it and then wrote a polite post asking the vendor to please contact me regarding the difficulties they expressed.  Result?  The vendor backed down, apologized for the post and others on the thread began to support us for being up front and polite in our response.  What started out as a negative for our business has instead been very positive for our business.

But what if I had responded out of anxiety, hurt feelings, anger?  I probably would have a huge mess on my hands (out in the open and also within my spirit) that would effect my life for  3 months or even longer.  By using the rule of 3’s, I was able to put the “offense” in perspective and respond in an appropriate manner…not over react.

Using the rule of 3’s is  a good way to gain perspective and to use a little more wisdom when responding to those events that cause us anxiety and try to derail our attempts to overcome that stronghold.

The Truth of Friendship

Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend’s counsel that comes from the heart.

Proverbs 27:9 Amplified Bible

For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think and weigh and take account of these things, fix your mind on them.

Philippians 4: 8 Amplified Bible

Finding out what is true vs. what is a figment of distorted thinking is often difficult. Sometimes it can be black and white: enemy says that God doesn’t love you but many bible verses contradict that. Other times, many times, it isn’t as concrete.

Thoughts about others not liking me, worrying that I offended someone, or that I caused someone else difficulty often get me up in my tree. Now, it may be a very little issue (i.e. a very small tree) but as I go over it again and again in my mind I do my best to make it into a gigantic oak and I’m stuck in the branches. These scenarios cause me to be swirling the drain. The impact on that day’s mental health is enormous and my thinking goes from this real or imaginary incident and then travels on to who I am in God’s kingdom, how I’m not useful to the Body of Christ, etc.

At this stage of my life, I rarely have the ability to just sideline these kind of thoughts so I have to hit them head on and seek out the truth. This is where the importance of close and trustworthy friends come in.

I have 3 close friends, 2 that I talk to regularly, that I know I can be honest, petty, jealous, annoying and whiney with…..and they will still remain my friends. They will be honest, they will laugh at me and with me and they will keep my confidence. I can tell them the truth and I know when I ask them a question I will receive the truth in return. Even the truth I don’t want to hear. Such friends are a blessing and I’d encourage anyone to nurture such a relationship.

When thoughts such as those above come in, I quickly pick up the phone and ask one of my trusted friends if this is as big a deal as I am making it. Or, if I’m afraid I offended someone, I go find that person, make a fool of myself and just ask them. Often they have no idea what I am talking about and I feel just silly. But feeling silly is much better than those awful thoughts that I just nipped in the bud. In other words, when these worries and concerns come in, I stop what I’m doing and I put an end to them by finding out what the actual truth is regarding these matters.

Finding trusted friends, friends who love you in spite of your warts, friends who love the Lord and can just be authentic and real with you is something to treasure. Something to nurture. My relationships have been vital when it comes to knowing the truth, recognizing the truth and returning to the truth. Having trusted friends that you can be fully and completely honest with, and they can do the same in return, has been one of the tools the Lord has used when it comes to me being able to finally manage my depression and have a life of joy in spite of this circumstance.

Are ya catchin’ on? We’re still focusing on those “things that are true” from Phil 4:8. Depression is characterized by distorted thinking. Sometimes anxiety is as well. Seeking truth, looking for truth, taking every thought captive….in other words stopping in your tracks and saying “Is that true”?…. is a lot of work but totally worth it. Seek truth at all costs. If it means you have to make a fool of yourself to find out the truth about a situation…..do it.

Finally, I love how the Amplifed Bible closes out Phil 4:8…

think and weigh and take account of these things, fix your mind on them.

When we live our life with depression and/or anxiety we are very skilled in the area of thinking and weighing. The verse clearly gives us a list of things to think and weigh instead our usual list of worries, untruths and concerns but I love the next bit….take an account of these things. In other words, look for them, seek them out. If you want, be literal and write a literal list, an accounting if you will. Doing so will keep your mind, the one that is trying to focus on the wrong things, totally occupied and then you can keep reading your list, focus on the items on that list and…..fix your mind on them.

The Reality of Renewal

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things.

Philippians 4:8 NKJV

What does renewing your mind really look like in a day to day life? The description will sound simple but the task is enormous.

Renewing your mind means changing your mind. In other words, deciding to think about something else. I know what you’re thinking…these thoughts come in anyway. They just invade me. Etc. I know they do. They invade me as well and are unwelcomed visitors that come by again and again and again. That’s the reason for the tag line up above….controlling mental spam with the word of God.

Renewing your mind encompasses so many different ways of changing our thought patterns but today lets first talk about the most basic…. thinking about something else. That something else can be the word of God, a mundane task, a worship song, anything you’d like. But don’t be fooled, just because you changed your mind once doesn’t mean that thought isn’t coming right back into your mind. It is. Again and again and again. Over time, however, you’ll be more skilled at ignoring the thought or sending it on its merry way.

For me, in my life, lets use the example of a bad memory.

Memory I’d like to avoid pops in my head and I get the sudden feeling that I’ve been kicked in the stomach. In my head I literally say “I don’t want to think about that”. Sometimes I have to say it over and over. Sometimes I don’t have to. It just depends on the day. I may then have to find something to distract myself from that thought or recite a scripture in my head that counteracts that thought (this is especially helpful when the negative memory is about a sin I committed, something stupid I did, etc), I start singing a worship song or maybe even making a list of the things I am thankful for on this given day. As simple as that sounds, it is a tremendous fight and I have lost that fight many times.

So what do you do when you try that, you fight back for a bit and then you lose the battle, the thoughts come in and you feel terrible. You get up, you dust yourself off, and you start all over again. I mean it. You can’t just lay there on the battle field waiting to be attacked again.

If you remember only one thing from reading this blog, remember this….

Your thought patterns have been entrenched for months, maybe years, and in my case, it was over 30 years of these thought patterns. You are not going to change an entrenched pattern and/or habit over night and attempting to change your thoughts and not succeeding does not mean you failed. Not making the attempt or not dusting yourself off and re-starting the battle…. that is failure. But fighting back, regardless of how successful you are, is never failing.

I want to end today by asking you to look at that first instruction in this verse. Paul tells us to first focus on “whatever things are true”. The enemy isn’t in the business of telling us the truth and often our depressed/anxiety ridden brains aren’t real reliable in that area as well. Finding a few verses that speak of your position with God, how dearly loved you are by your Heavenly Father, etc can often be a great resource to combat a thought pattern that is clearly not the truth. Focus on the truth of God’s word by reading that truth, saying it out loud and praying about that verse. And if you have to do that over and over again, then do so.

All of this sounds over simplified and I think that is one of the reasons that it took me years to accept that this was such a vital part of overcoming or having joy in spite of my mental illness. But, and I can’t stress this enough, it is some of the hardest work I have ever done and I am only successful in my battle about 35-40% of the time….depending on hormones. When hormonal, my “success rate” greatly plumets. That’s just the reality of it. But when I lose a battle, and I do regularly, I pick myself up, dust myself off and start over. And through God’s empowering and never ending grace, I am a little quicker on my “mental feet” and slowly building the “skill” of renewing my mind, changing my thought patterns, etc.

Praise be to God.